The narcissistic narcissist looking in the mirror is an image known to everyone. But behind this caricature lies a deep personality disorder that poisons the lives not only of the narcissist himself but also of everyone who falls into his orbit. Narcissism today has become a fashionable word: it is used to label egotistical bloggers, toxic bosses, and even ex-spouses. However, true narcissism is not just "I love myself." It is a fragile, glass-like self-esteem, parasitizing on others' attention, and a complete lack of empathy. Can one fight narcissism? And what to do if you discover its traits in yourself?

What is narcissism

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is included in the DSM-5 (diagnostic manual). Its signs: a grandiose sense of self-importance, fantasies of success and power, a need for constant admiration, a sense of uniqueness, exploitation of others, a lack of empathy, jealousy, and the belief that others envy him. Important: narcissism is a spectrum. There are healthy narcissistic traits (self-confidence, leadership), and there is a pathology that hinders living. The cause is often childhood trauma: either excessive flattery ("you are the center of the earth") or coldness and humiliations ("you are a nobody"). The child builds a defense - a grandiose "I" to not feel pain.

Types of narcissism

The grandiose (open) narcissist is a braggart, demanding applause. He does not doubt his greatness. The vulnerable (hidden) narcissist is outwardly shy but believes in his uniqueness inside. He suffers from the fact that the world does not recognize his genius. The malignant narcissist is a mixture of narcissism with antisocial personality disorder: he is aggressive, vengeful, capable of cruelty. It is important to understand that behind the mask of arrogance lies a wounded child. But this does not justify toxic behavior.

How to recognize a narcissist in relationships

First, he charms: "you are the only one," "no one understands you like I do." Then he devalues: "you are too sensitive," "it's your fault." He does not admit mistakes, shifts blame, gaslights (makes you doubt reality). He cannot be happy for others' success, but expects that his successes will be celebrated. He violates boundaries, may shout, but then act as if nothing happened. If you try to talk about his behavior, he either attacks or goes silent. It is impossible to resolve conflicts constructively with a narcissist.

Can a narcissist change

This is the most difficult question. The easiest to change is the open, grandiose narcissist who suffers from loneliness and loss of connections. He may go to a therapist if he understands that his behavior is harming him (for example, he was fired from work). The vulnerable narcissist rarely seeks help because he considers the world hostile. The malignant one is almost not subject to treatment. But even with a desire, therapy lasts for years and requires enormous motivation. The main method is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and schema therapy. There are no drugs for narcissism.

How can a person fight narcissism

If you recognize narcissistic traits in yourself, the first step is honesty with yourself. Admit that you have hurt others. The second is to keep a diary of emotions: when you are angry, offended, demanding admiration. Look for roots in childhood. The third is to learn empathy: put yourself in the other person's shoes, ask "how does he feel right now?". The fourth is to practice gratitude and recognition of others' achievements. The fifth is to seek help from a therapist who works with NPD. It is a long journey. But it is possible.

How to protect yourself if there is a narcissist nearby

The first rule: do not try to change him. The second: set strict boundaries. "I will not discuss this topic," "If you raise your voice, I will leave." The third: do not argue about reality ("you are exaggerating"), just state: "It hurts me." The fourth: do not expect apologies. The fifth: seek support from friends, a psychologist. If the narcissist becomes dangerous (physical violence), leave. Do not hope that he will change for you.

Narcissism and social networks

Instagram, TikTok - paradise for narcissists. Likes and subscribers give a dose of dopamine, replacing real communication. Constant selfies, showing a "successful success" life fuel the grandiosity. Studies show that the more time a person spends on social networks, the higher their narcissistic traits. But even healthy people can succumb to this race. The fight against narcissism in the digital age includes digital detox and refusing to chase likes.

Common myths about narcissism

Myth 1: narcissists love themselves. In fact, they hate themselves but cannot accept it. Myth 2: narcissists are just proud. No, it is a personality disorder. Myth 3: you can rehabilitate a narcissist with love. No, he will use your love as fuel. Myth 4: narcissism is a male problem. Women also suffer from NPD, but their narcissism often manifests in the need to be beautiful and the perfect mother.

Prevention of narcissism in children

To prevent a child from growing up into a narcissist, you need: to praise for effort, not talent ("you did a good job, you tried," not "you are a genius"). Recognize his feelings, but do not cater to whims. Teach empathy through discussing the feelings of others. Do not put the child at the center of the universe, but do not humiliate him. Give him the opportunity to make mistakes and take responsibility. The example of parents who know how to apologize and admit their mistakes is the best prevention.

The fight against narcissism is a battle for humanity. It is fought in every therapy room, in every family where one of the members acknowledges their vulnerability. It is not a quick victory, but it is possible. If you suspect narcissistic traits in yourself - do not despair. Take the first step today. And if you are suffering from a narcissist nearby - remember that your safety is more important than his "greatness." And never forget: you deserve healthy relationships.

Permanent link to this publication: