The Danger of the Grandmother’s Substitute Role: Structural Distortions in the Family System

Introduction: The Role of the Grandmother in the Extended Family — Evolutionary and Social Context

From an evolutionary-biological perspective, the phenomenon of the “grandmother” (post-reproductive female investment) is considered one of the adaptive strategies that increase offspring survival. However, in the modern social context, a grandmother’s attempt to replace the parents goes beyond adaptive support and turns into a form of family dysfunction known in systemic family therapy as “generation skew” and “rigid triangulation.” This is not just excessive care but a systemic disruption affecting the child’s mental development, the parental competence of the adult children, and the psychological well-being of the grandmother herself.

1. Violation of Hierarchy and Undermining the Parental Subsystem

According to Murray Bowen’s family systems theory, a healthy family functions as a hierarchical structure with clear subsystems: parental (executive, decision-making) and child. The grandmother belongs to the extended family subsystem. Her attempt to replace the parents means intrusion into the parental subsystem and its weakening.

Specific dangers:

Undermining parental authority: When the grandmother starts to challenge the rules set by the parents (regarding nutrition, routine, discipline, gadgets), the child finds themselves in a loyalty conflict. They are forced to choose whose rules to follow, which leads to manipulative behavior (“Grandma allows it!”). This is called a “coalition across generations,” where the grandmother and the child unconsciously unite against the parents.

Infantilization of the parents: A grandmother who takes on key decisions (school choice, doctor, extracurricular activities) conveys a hidden message: “You (my children) are not capable of managing on your own.” This slows the development of parental competence and autonomy of the adult children, cementing them in the role of “eternal children.”

Example from psychological practice: A classic case is a grandmother who takes her grandson for the entire weekend, fully plans his leisure time, buys him things the parents did not ask for, and secretly cancels parental punishments. As a result, the child develops a double reality: with grandma — permissiveness and generosity; with parents — restrictions and demands. This splits their worldview and undermines respect for the parents.

2. Psychological Risks for Child Development: From Gender Identity to Separation

Attachment distortion: The primary attachment figure should remain the parent (usually the mother). If the grandmother becomes the main emotional “anchor,” this can lead to anxious or ambivalent attachment in the child. They do not feel a secure base in the parents, which increases baseline anxiety and insecurity.

Difficulties with separation and individuation: The process of psychological separation from parents (especially in adolescence) is a key developmental stage. If the figure to separate from becomes the grandmother (often more authoritarian and rigid than the parents), the process becomes complicated. The adolescent may either rebel against the entire family or, conversely, remain in symbiotic relationships with the grandmother, which blocks social maturity.

Gender distortions: For a boy, having a healthy identification with the father or another significant male figure is especially critical. An overprotective grandmother, especially if she dominates and displaces the father, can inadvertently convey attitudes that undermine masculine confidence (“The world is dangerous,” “You are weak, you need my protection”). This may contribute to forming a passive or infantile stance.

Interesting fact: Research in evolutionary psychology shows the so-called “grandmother effect,” according to which the presence of a grandmother does indeed increase grandchildren’s survival and well-being. However, the key condition is support, not replacement. In societies where grandmothers help but do not dominate, the best balance is observed. Anthropological data indicate that in cultures where grandmothers fully take on upbringing, there is often an increase in psychosomatic illnesses among children.

3. Risks for Parents and the Grandmother Herself: A Vicious Cycle of Dependency

For parents: They lose the opportunity to go through the natural stages of becoming parents, including making mistakes and correcting them. This leads to learned helplessness, feelings of guilt, and inadequacy. Their marital relationships may also suffer, as the spouses’ energy is directed not toward building their own family but toward conflicts with the grandmother.

For the grandmother: Her motivation is often complex and includes:

Compensation: An attempt to fulfill an unfulfilled parental scenario or “correct mistakes” with her own children.

Fear of being unneeded: By replacing the parents, she feels needed and significant.

Unrealized anxiety: Projection of her own fears onto the grandchild.
However, the consequences for her are destructive: emotional burnout, worsening health, rupture of social ties outside the family. She invests in a role that by definition should be temporary and secondary, leading to a crisis when the grandchild grows up and distances themselves.

4. Sociocultural Aspect: Reproduction of Patterns

This model is often reproduced from generation to generation. A grandmother who herself was a “substitute parent” raises a daughter who has no personal experience of full motherhood. As a result, the daughter, becoming a mother, either passively allows the scenario to repeat or enters into a bitter conflict, trying to break out of this model but lacking the internal resources to build healthy boundaries.

Healthy alternative: the grandmother’s role as an “additional resource of security”
The grandmother performs a unique and irreplaceable function when she remains in her role. She is a source of unconditional love, a bearer of family history and traditions, a “safe haven.” Her support should be:

On request, not at her own discretion.

Within the rules established by the parents.

Aimed at strengthening, not weakening parental authority (“Parents know better,” “Ask your mom”).

Example of a healthy model: A grandmother picks up her grandson from school once a week, bakes pies with him, tells him stories, takes him to the theater. But when it comes to homework, treatment, or discipline issues, she refers him to the parents, coordinates plans with them, and does not criticize their decisions in front of the child. She is an important but not central figure in his world.

Strategies for Restoring Boundaries: What Can Be Done

Clear role definition: Parents should calmly but confidently state: “We are the parents, we make the final decisions. Your help is invaluable, but it must be provided in this format.”

Specification of help: Shift the relationship from emotionally chaotic to contractual: “We would be grateful if you could pick him up from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Otherwise, we manage ourselves.”

Working with guilt: Understand that the grandmother often acts with the best intentions, but her methods are destructive. It is important to maintain respect but not allow boundary violations.

Seeking professional help: A family psychologist can help establish communication, work through the grandmother’s underlying reasons for behavior (anxiety, loneliness), and build healthy boundaries.

Conclusion: The Grandmother as Support, Not Foundation

The danger of the situation when a grandmother tries to replace the parents lies in a systemic distortion that sacrifices the child’s long-term mental health and the autonomy of the young family for momentary convenience or satisfaction of the unmet needs of the older generation. A healthy family is not a fusion but a structure with clear yet flexible boundaries between generations. The grandmother’s role is not to be a “better mother” but to be a unique, loving grandmother whose wisdom and support strengthen the parental subsystem rather than destroy it. Restoring these boundaries is an act of true care for the well-being of the grandchild, their parents, and the grandmother herself, allowing each to occupy their psychologically comfortable and ecologically sound place in the family system.

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