«Be polite!» — our mother teaches us from childhood. “Thank you,” “you’re welcome,” “excuse me” — these words open doors, smooth over conflicts, and create an illusion of harmony. But politeness has a flip side. It can be a mask for aggression, a tool for manipulation, or a way to maintain distance. The ambivalence of politeness is its ability to be both good and bad at the same time. We explore how politeness can hurt, humiliate, and protect. Politeness as social glue From a biological perspective, politeness is a mechanism for reducing tension. A smile, avoiding direct questions, ritual phrases (“how are you?” without the desire to listen to the answer) allow people to coexist in a crowd without killing each other. Politeness is a basic protocol of communication: I acknowledge your existence, I do not wish you harm, I am ready for cooperation. Without this, chaos. But the problem is that politeness often becomes a hollow form. “Thank you” is automatic, “excuse me” is insincere. And then tension arises: a person feels the falseness, but cannot make a complaint — because he is formally polite. Passive aggression under the guise of politeness One of the most toxic forms of politeness is passive aggression. For example, the phrase “I apologize, but could you speak quieter?” — here the apology is not genuine, but a prelude to an attack. Or “You probably didn’t notice, but…” (subtext: “you’re stupid”). Or “Well, it’s not that hard for me” (with a heavy sigh, meaning the opposite). Such politeness allows you to express aggression while remaining within the bounds of etiquette. The victim cannot respond because the offender is formally polite. This is a favorite technique in office teams, among neighbors, and in families. Politeness and distance The less we know a person, the more polite we are with them. Politeness is a marker of distance. We say “please” to a stranger, but to a friend we say “here, hold this.” This is normal. But sometimes politeness is used t ... Read more